Jadey_Anjalee

Love Me Loudly

Love Me Loudly

— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2019/01/love-me-loudly/

thoughtcatalog.com/kimberley-chung/2018/12/meet-me-in-january/

I recently read John Greens long awaited book Turtles All The Way Down I cant say “oh my gosh!! He’s done it again” but it was a pretty good book. A young girl named Aza Holmes somewhat falls for this boy who happens to have a secret blog and he writes abt her obviously. But then he figures out that she’s seeing what he’s writing and he writes stuff knowing she would see it. That was me. With every playlist knowing my Aza would flip through the songs, read the title, try and see if I was sending some subliminal message. And I was for a long time. And I wrote, on this blog, knowing my Aza would see what I was writing. Knowing my Aza would know exactly what I meant any and every single time I wrote something for him. My favorite take-away from the book although, has to be a quote that’s said if I can sum up all I’ve learned abt life in three words: it goes on. Big? Bold statement? Yeah I thought so too. It was rlly hard for me to get to that point; where I said yeah this hurts, yeah I’m not ok, but I will go on. Life will go on. And I’ve learned to live without other things so I can and I WILL overcome.

I don’t know how to write self help articles or feel good blog posts. All I know how to do is repeat something I’ve probably said hundreds of times in my life: you’re not alone. And while it always seems to be an untrue statement it’s mostly tru. I hate myself a lot of the time because I feel things or I think things that just aren’t even sensible. Like why? Things don’t makes sense in my head; so ofc why would they make any sense to someone outside of myself? Idk. But something I do now know is that life will go on. Eventually you learn to stop being hurt. Eventually hearing your song doesn’t bring you to tears. Eventually driving past your childhood home doesn’t stab a knife in you chest. Eventually that job you just lost turns into just another one of life’s stupid lessons on teaching you to get over yourself, pull your big girl panties up and start doing. Eventually you stop feeling sorry for yourself or your situation and start moving forward. And life goes on. Life was going before you got hurt and it will continue to do that after you’ve been hurt. And when you stop hurting you learn things. I learned to stop being cold, and to start talking again. My mom told me the other day to be quiet already cuz I was always talking. I was like sheesh ok mom *dramatically rolls eyes* and she said No I’m happy you started talking again. You stopped for a while there. And it was true. I hadn’t thought abt it that much but when everything happened I kind of went on auto pilot and just stopped being me. I wasn’t eating right, I wasn’t engaging in conversation, I wasn’t sleeping, I literally just couldn’t think the way I used to. And even now I don’t think the way I used to. I grew up a little bit, I matured and smoothed out a few edges. And slowly but surely I found my voice again. And I can talk 100mph. I will talk your ear off. But that was just another one of those life goes on things.

When I’m done writing stories for you to read. That’s a sentence or thought that’s been circling my head for a minute now. I’m done trying to win my Aza back through all the very poetic ways of expressing my pain. And it’s not only because I found someone new. It’s because no matter how hard you try to hold on to someone; when they express that they’re done; there is absolutely nothing you can do after that. I had to not only face the fact that now my Aza was gone. But now my Aza wasn’t even “my” Aza anymore. She was free to be her own Aza-y self. Without needing my permission, without needing my approval or consent. My Aza excruciatingly couldn’t be who he thought I needed him to be. My Aza told that to himself but I always said I didn’t need anything other then what I got. I lost my Aza a long time ago I guess. But I’m barely now getting over it. Because when you intertwine your heart and souls into someone, you rlly do lose yourself in them. Sadly I don’t want to try with my Aza anymore; I don’t want my Aza to become a stranger. Someone from my past, but my Aza wants to remain exactly where he is. An almost distant memory. But that memory is within my grasp and every now and then in my humanly flawed experience I grab it and hold it in my chest. To my Aza: goodbye. I’m done writing stories for you to read. This is me. And this is where I am….

You never cared about me — but I cared about you. I texted you first. I remembered the little things you told me. I did cute favors for you. I treated you with the same amount of respect I give to the rest of my friends.

But that is okay.

I am not going to chase after your friendship. I am not going to drown you with messages, hoping you give me more than a one-word answer this time. I am not going to track you down and force you to pay attention to me.

If you don’t want a place in my world, you can leave. I might cry about you but I’m not going to stop you.

if the way I felt abt you was fake I wouldn’t have ever even bothered trying to fix it. I read this (and a ton of other stuff actually) and it was a reflection of the way I felt. I used to be in a place where it was like “plz plz plz change your mind; desperate little me needs you to change your mind” but now I’m sorta kinda in a place that’s like “ok” I haven’t gotten to like the angry I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING ABT YOU place yet. I’m trying to avoid that like at all costs. But everything is a process and there’s still more time left for me to fully come through everything. To grow out of what I’ve been going through and feeling. Everything is such a new experience for me. This is the first thing that’s rlly ever made me feel so alive. I’ve felt a full scale of snotty emotions. The speedometer rlly fell off with this one. I’m the person that goes through bouts of feelings but those bouts are somewhat tsunami like. Or like a hurricane…. TORNADOES that’s the one. I’m not even gonna lie though. I am not always ok, I am not always fine, I am not always happy with the way things are. In fact I’m not happy at all with the way things happened but I’m so excited to see how much I learn and grow. I even met someone and I love talking to him. He thinks all the things you used to think abt me. Like abt my quirks and my randomness. And maybe excited isn’t rlly the word; anxious seems to fit better. And for me (an already quite anxious person) it’s somewhat normal. I’m anxious to see what happens but whatever goes down I will always remember the way this felt. The way you felt. The way your memory feels as it slips through my dreams into my subconscious suspicions and half memorized recitations of words that fell out of your mouth so carelessly. Half of what we were was something experienced over the phone, and maybe that wasn’t enough for you. Maybe I wasn’t enough for you. But I know now… I don’t have to be. You don’t deserve me anyway. And despite knowing my worth, despite knowing what I deserve from a lover or a potential sometimes I think idc if you don’t love me anymore… just use me. And ofc I would hate that in the end but often it feels like I’d much prefer that feeling. Knowing that he’s only using me cuz I asked or allowed myself to be that low. Putting his pretty ego on a throne above my hearts desire. I figured out that I’d have to go through the five stages of grief and those are the actual worst. Cuz leaving someone rlly is like feeling the death of something. It was the death of my first love and my bestest friend in the whole wide world. And funny thing is I actually kind of believed that it’d never happen. Unfortunately all good things come to an end (especially when you’re unwilling to try and fix something or work on it) and so we did. And I’m not angry. I’m kind of over it. I just wish when you said we would still be friends that you meant it. And I wish that when you decided to be a jerk and say something that was completely unnecessary you just wouldn’t’ve. And I’m sorry for being so needy even (especially) now. And I’m sorry for everything; like always being sorry; and always being so unsure. I kept telling you I’d changed so much but you never rlly paid any attention to that. And my friend tells me that if you don’t care then neither should I. And everyone tells me I deserve something different and better. Nobody knows that I rlly just want what I had. And when I say it no one knows what to say. It’s like saying “no I was in love with this person I don’t deserve better” makes everyone uncomfortable. Like “wdym? What you felt was like real love?” And to that I’d respond “uhhhhhh yeah…?” Like I guess whatever tho right? I get worked up sometimes cuz I don’t bother and then I do bother and everything seems to slide right into a puddle of everything I hate. Like the way I said girls could be vultures and you said no she doesn’t like me like that. But actually you have no idea and it just doesn’t even matter. Like suddenly when I get upset it loses its flavor and I don’t rlly care. Can’t say I’m completely over everything cuz every once in a while I get rlly mad. And I used to not get mad but now I do. And I know why it is that I get upset. Like I would still be giving 100% to being friends and actually trying. But sometimes, I guess, you have to realize that even when ppl say they’re trying, they’re rlly not. And if they’re ok with not trying to keep you in their lives then you don’t have to keep trying to keep them in yours. It still hurts me sometimes because I can’t keep the promises I made. The promises I intended to keep. As much as it was on me, I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be easy to love and I wanted to make being loved feel good. My ultimate goal in life was to be someone who made being alive something beautiful. Because wether you meant to or not; that’s how I felt. I felt alive because I thought I was being loved. And towards the end of everything I had taken up a deep depression. I think it dampened whatever was left of those bubbly feelings. I miss feeling so bubbly over him. There was something so innocent and pure and almost pink abt loving him. And it’s like after him (not because of him) I’ve lost so much of that pink, bubbly, innocence. I pushed a lot; when I know I want something and I’m gonna get it! I push forward without any hesitation. And I did that. I know I did. But I never thought I pushed too hard. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe there were too many things that were the problem. Maybe I rant too often. Maybe I say too much. Maybe I used to guard my mouth and now I’m an open book and if you ask me anything I’ll answer whatever the question is. Maybe I just don’t care the way I used to. Maybe the one good reason I got is irrelevant cuz idek how I feel abt my whole “world” anymore. Maybe if I could change your mind it would’ve happened already. And maybe I’ll get used to never getting what I want anymore. But then again maybe not.

if you don’t want a place in my world… you can leave. And I know you don’t need my permission; but I just wanted to let you know if you never cared, or if you don’t anymore then stop lying to yourself and stop lying to me…. just leave

Idk who I am. And sometimes it’s as simple as that. As simple as I don’t rlly know who I am, or who I wanna be. Sometimes it’s kind of overwhelming; because I want to be sure, sure of who I am, sure of who I want to be. But I never rlly get around to understanding myself. I watched a great video the other day, abt a girl who had had her first heartbreak so she made a video. Then a year later she said how much she’d grown since that heartbreak. And who she had become since then. And how she was so happy with the person she’d become and how things were so different now. She was so happy she’d cut out the bad from her life and begun to focus on the things that were actually important. She said she enjoyed being selfish with her time. That all of the energy she’d put into loving this person, that never felt the same way abt her, was finally attention she would learn to spend on herself. There’s so many things that I’ve learned abt life, like no one owes you anything rlly, not even our own parents. I’ve learned to shut ppl out, I’ve learned to let ppl in, I’ve learned to love again, and to let go. I’ve learned what it’s like to be cold; that’s something I’ve always hated. I’ve learned that sometimes…. idk who I am. And when this used to happen often I would go through a list of things I knew for sure. For example

• My name is Jade
• I’m 17 yrs old
• I work at H-E-B
• I love going to Brownsville
• I play guitar

And as the list progresses I add things that have more substance like

I’m not as strong as I used to be

I’m still learning to be better

I was rlly depressed this past season of my life

I miss my best friend

I have attention issues

Etc

These are things that are sure. Things that I know are true. And instead of not knowing who I am anymore, because idk what I want to be. I learn who I am, because of who I have already been. It’s helped me when I begin to lose focus of who I am. The truth is that I lose myself very easily inside of things. I begin to attach myself into things and cocoon upon whatever holds me back. And I just keep trying to remind myself not to be afraid…

Continue reading “Don’t be afraid…”

Everyone asks me if I regret you

The truth is no I never do

But I wish I’d never ruined everything

When we were simple

When we were pure

When we were whole

Now idk who you are

Now I question who you are

I wish it didn’t hurt

Babe I’ve let go

I know; I know

But I had to

And now when I try and get to you

You’re so cold

You’re distant

Babe you’ve let go

You moved on so quickly

Did I mean that little to you?

Was I that easy to forget?

And why do you think I’m always playing games?

Why do you think I’m always tryna mess with you head?

I just wanna be friends

I just need my best friend back

The one I had

When we were sixteen

When loving came easy

I told myself to stop caring

And man most of the time

I do such a good job at that

But now and anytime it’s dark

When it’s quiet and I’m alone

Babe I think abt you

And what you’re doing

Something I could never say out loud

Cuz I still know all your secrets

Cuz I still keep them to myself

Cuz I still wonder what we did to become what we are

How’d we ever come to this

And it’s like we don’t let go of the bliss

We don’t forget the way we never got to kiss

We don’t forget all the purity inside of our story

Because I’m sorry I wasn’t enough

And he read a poem I wrote

And he thought it was abt him

But he was wrong

It’s abt who he used to be

When he needed me

Or even who we were when he first stopped needing me

But not who he is now

Because who he is now is someone I don’t know

And I try

I keep trying to understand him

To see him

Where he is

To be someone who he still wants to keep around

But he doesn’t want me

And he doesn’t let me

And I want to be brave

And I want to tell him everything

Like I don’t love him anymore

But living without him isn’t rlly living

And I’m sick of holding onto what we were

So I let go everyday more and more

But it’s a crushing in my chest

And I become a nervous wreck

It’s a sick feeling that floats to my head

A numbness that follows me to my bed

He doesn’t talk to me anymore

Like he doesn’t even care

He’s so good like that

His self control

Something I never had

I work off impulse

Random energy spikes

Babe tell me how you’re doing so fine

Tell me how you resist telling me you love me

Because I know when it’s dark and quiet you still think abt me

I know you don’t give crap when everyone’s watching

But when it’s silent and I come into your head

I know you can’t stand me

I know I upset you

Everything I do

You think it’s all for you

But I’m not a show

Designed to appeal to your taste

…..you used to be the only thing in the world I cared abt

You had my heart

Why’d you let me go?

And how’d you do it so fast? (-)

I wonder if I seem fine to you

And if you wonder the same things I do

Because I remember what it was like

The day we talked

The day we said goodbye

I remember the tears in your eyes

The way you clenched your jaw

When I said we still pray for you every night

I remember you closing those precious eyes of yours

To hide it

The pain

And I’m sorry I was such an idiot

I’m sorry I didn’t cry in front of you

But I cried when you left

And my friend held me in her arms

Told me I’d be fine

She said she hated you

And I said no

Because I’ve never started that

I never wanna do that

Make you something I hated all along

To cope with what hurt I feel now

Babe I still love you

Not the way I used to

But I told you we were a forever kind of thing

And I’ll learn to hold on however you let me

Because I’m not leaving

….you’re stuck with me

I’m sorry….

So it’s been a few weeks since I told my best friend person a pretty big secret. I’ve had something weighing on me pretty hard lately and I haven’t been able to rlly process it. So I told her my little secret (that’s actually rlly huge) and she said “….yea no! I get it”. Somewhat reassuring, but I still feel strange, and strained, and taut, and rlly tied back.

Continue reading “I feel weird…”