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It’s been a whirlwind and I’m tired of staring out into an abyss of nothingness same old game we always play baby tell me won’t you stay?

Posted in BlogPosts

Diary entry #1

So biggest thing I’ve learned is you can’t force people to stay. You think you’re a great person for them at that time in their lives when in reality if someone doesn’t have you at the forefront of their mind then you’re just not there babygirl. I guess it would help if I used the ways I’ve learned this so here it goes>> John my John ugh 💀 he was my first love and he was my best friend and john was my entire world and it wasn’t one of those “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” things it was “this is my soulmate and I love him with everything inside me” when we stopped talking we wanted to still be friends but naturally, as that goes, you go from talking 24/7 to maybe once a day and then maybe once a week and then maybe once every few months and then you eventually think he’s fallen off the face of the planet. In truth he’s still alive and no matter how hard I plead with him to allow me space to be there for him and to love him and still be his friend… I can’t. There comes a time when you have to let go before you can move on. I don’t think you should talk to Ashleigh and Braden because I know that subconsciously it’s something you wanna do to see if they will change their mind. If there is any semblance of sorrow and hopefully a change. But what (esp ash) needs to see (since y’all are “so close) is that if you aren’t being prioritized in her life that you don’t have the time or energy to be putting her in the top five of your busy life’s “to do”. And then with Braden. I CAN’T tell you how HARDDDDD it is to let go of the people we do desperately want to cling to. I can’t tell you how much pain we get from this kind of thing. And I learned that the hard way. I lost my virginity… and no one from church (except Ethan) knows but the boy (his name is Parker) was something I thought could be rlly special for me and he wasn’t. I’ve tried so hard and sooooo many times to make him stick. Make him come around. But I didn’t feel any kind of peace or freedom til I decided “fukk you” and there was other ppl I had to say that to too because man bro. You can’t hope to stay in peoples lives sometimes or I guess I should say “you shouldn’t EXPECT” because we can always hope and I don’t got my crap together farrie I still hope everyday Parker changes his mind. I still hope my love wasn’t wasted or given in vain. But I found to be happy is to not care abt the things that were weighing so heavy on me. You have the ability to control your situation. You get to choose to cut someone off or maybe to give space. But space doesn’t always allow us to grow. Sometimes (most times) you have to cut at the very root of ur feelings. Pull those weeds out and throw em away because they ARE SUFFOCATING EVERYTHING THAT IS TRYING TO GROW. Remove what isn’t good for you souls garden and plant new flowers. Plant Lilys and roses and watch them grow. Don’t give into fear Farrah. You have to let go of what is holding you down and whatever it is you can move on you CAN For now my advice is to just stop allowing them so much power over you that gets so tiring And you’ll never be able to be what they need. You need to focus on u sunshine

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This is not a numbered Poem

10 the end! I made it to the top. I win. I ring the bell I climbed to reach, make sure it’s loud enough so everyone can hear my accomplishment 6, 7, 8

9 Times I checked the scale this week, I’ve lost six pounds and counting. I shouldn’t be concerned abt my weight but I just keep losing more and more of myself to

8 nights in a row, I woke up from a nightmare, it’s the same every goddam time, I walk up to you and you tell me a lie; I love you he says and right before your lips touch mine I feel blood trickling down my spine from the knife you put there

7 When I realized my dad wasn’t coming home, when my mom had that talk with me again abt how when she was young she used men to fill the void, the chasm her fathers absence had left

6 o’clock in the morning, it’s raining and I woke up from another sleepless night, these days are endless, my youth is beyond my

5 men I used to shape how I view men my dad, Joey, Josh, John, and the boy who I believed in with so much of myself, these men shaped who I let love me, who I let learn me, who I let inside of me, inside my mind, inside my soul

4 things I’ve come to know… four things I’ve learned how to do in my life, a.) to fear b.) to overcome that fear with love c.) to hate the love that taught me to overcome fear d.) to fear… losing myself to the things that come my way in this life

3 interpersonal truths I’ve learned. I am selfish. I love too hard. I give too often and I give too often because I love too hard and I love too hard because I am selfish> I am selfish with my love

2 boys have I ever loved, one still haunts me and the other still haunts me in the end I’ll wake up and know I’m a better person for the love I’ve cultivated and the loss I’ve endured but

1 I am one for affirmations

I am not weak

I am strong

I am not stupid

I have grown

I am not a little girl

I will never be

I am not a toy

I am a prized possession

I am not who I was

I am who I am going to be

I will not give up

I will prevail

I will prevail

I will prevail

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When is it time to unlove your memory?

I fell in love with a boy and I have given him things I’ve never given anyone and it hurt because at first I realized I was killing little pieces of what was left of my first love. Now he wants space and time and he wants to leave me. And he is just myself. Something I know but something I don’t know. And when is it time to unlove something you loved so hard

How do I give someone space without losing them? It didn’t work the first time and so what in the hell am I thinking that perhaps it will work tomorrow or today or the day after tomorrow or in a hundred years. Why does loving someone hurt so damn badly? Why does letting someone in, physically kill your soul and tear it in a million little pieces? Why do I love people for no reason at all? Why does the universe throw the most beautiful and perfect beings into your life just to take them away?

Why did I waste so much time trying to forget you? When I rlly never wanted to forget a thing. Everything abt what I was when I was with you was and still is magic. The universe loved us. Even tho I always said it hated us. But if it hated us, we would’ve never met each other. Because we were fiercely beautiful and she saw that. She felt the energy we put inside of her and thanked us. She was and perhaps is my only friend in this goddamned world. I believe you will grow into a magnificent angel. And I cannot wait to behold the site of you. Thank you for teaching me to love the way I did. Whole heartedly and never half assed

To my cp I do love you dearly. And I hope you don’t forget that

Choose wisely my sweet boy

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Well I haven’t written anything in forever

I guess I’ve been all hickeldy pickledy but here’s a song I wrote in November

Why did you taste like a star

Perfect just the way your are

Trapped in your thoughts

Not where I wanted to get caught

You lost your touch

& your voice gets violent

When the world goes quiet

And your mind just needs silence

You left me wondering

Never quiet sure anymore

I had so many questions

Is it ok to never be sure?

But your memory tastes just like heaven

A bunch of little things that I could never mention

Why do you taste just like a star

Perfectly content with the way that you are

You walk around with your head on your shoulders

Conscience that you’re only getting older

I know now My love, that you were sober

When you decided to only grow colder

Do you still smile

Do you ever dream?

Was there something real

Or was it only in my imagination

Cuz I remember your lips

Soft a supple

A lovers dream

A winter haze

In summer days

Waking seams

We tore through barriers

Just to see us through

& Why did you taste just like a star?

Cuz babe now I’m addicted to the shine

And I’m having withdrawals for them

The days where I used to call you mine… without lyin