Author Archives: jadeanjalee

My hands: Pale in Comparison to Your Hands, Your Hands Simple but so obtrusive

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A question that reeks and it’s stench spreads throughout my head; like a moldy article of clothing that’s smell spreads far and wide even after it’s been disposed of. I’m sitting on my bed getting ready for a big test I’m gonna take and I’m rlly excited for. And all of a sudden I felt the need to change my music and a small but sure question came to mind…. Why am I unhappy? And why am I unable to answer that question? Because I have no reason to rlly be unhappy, but then again I have every reason to be unhappy. And then I have to tell myself that this is what living with mental illness is like. I’ve never been diagnosed. I never went to the doctor and had a “professional” tell me that I was depressed or had any kind of sickness of the head. But I think everyone… to some degree has or has had some mental health issues. I know the hormonal imbalance of teenagers is ridiculous and that could (does) add to my reason for believing that I have in some form, depression. But depression for me isn’t loud and overbearing. It’s quiet. And it’s scattered and it comes in spurts and bouts. Here and there. Depression for me comes when I’m alone doing my own thing. Right after I get excited and start dancing and singing along to a song I love; in shorts and my knee high socks like a girl from a 70’s-80’s inspired movie. Depression for me comes after relating to a brand new song and (now) completely understanding why I write the way I do. Because out there, somewhere, someone feels lonely and scared and different and all of a sudden unloved and unwanted; and reading the right article or listening to the right song makes that hole in your heart feel a little less U N B E A R A B L E!! Depression comes when I wake up in the middle of the night with my eyes glued shut cuz I cried in my sleep and I look in the mirror to find someone I never thought I’d become. I am someone that a year ago I never would’ve imagined I would be. Hell; I’m someone that three months ago I never thought I’d be. I’ve grown to accept most of what I am. I’ve grown to appreciate what I cannot change. I’ve learned to be more willing. But every once in a while I just can’t shake the scary feeling that I may never experience that full joyous thing; where like your heart is full and you feel like every little thing will work out in your favor and everything is going to be ok. And while I know that I shouldn’t be so worried, anxiety gets the best of me. My anxious tendencies still seem to overrule all of my half hearted attempts to be vigorously content. And I ask myself Why am I unhappy?!

Things are goin great for me right now. I don’t want to lie and say they’re the best they’ve ever been. I would definitely be lying! But there is a new year coming soon and Tbh I’m quite ready for it. I’m ready to “wash off my yesterday” and start something new. I lost my best friend this year, he was what I would call my first love. He was such a great first love. I told someone one time that “it isn’t your first love unless they break your heart” and then he finally did. It was so hard, and such a growing experience. I’ve learned so much and met so many ppl; everything is just a growing experience. And we learn to be ok with that. I’m genuinely excited abt the person I’m becoming. And I would say no matter what you’ve been through this past year, you should be too. Everyday is an opportunity to become someone you’re proud of. I wasn’t very proud of who I’ve been; or what I’d begun to do and take part in. But whenever something is difficult for you…. all you have to do is walk away. In one of my group sessions we had a discussion abt being uncomfortable. We said “you are allowed to walk away from uncomfortable situations” that’s something you don’t think of very often, or hear spoken abt. I met this wonderful women named Hannah, and we spoke for abt an hour after one session that I’d gone to, complete strangers mind you. She told me all abt the things she’d experienced concerning heartbreak. How she didn’t hate the ppl that had broken her heart, she was thankful for everything she’d gone through. Then we jokingly (and embarrassingly) added a thank you, next pun. She told me so many things I’d been reassuring myself of lately. “It’s ok to not believe what other ppl believe.” “You’re seventeen, you don’t need to have your life planned out… it’ll come naturally.” And something she didn’t say, but I’ve told myself repeatedly is not to let hurt change me. I want to hold on to that softness I’ve grown so fond of having. I want to hold on to what Ive worked so hard, for so long, to have.

I know that saying the case is different for everyone should be said right now. Because I think a huge reason I’m unhappy is because I want to share in my success and my pain and achievements and yes… in my goals, with someone else. I know that’s definitely different then what some people might need to find happiness. But having a companion seems to be the biggest thing missing in my life right now. I have a job, I have projects, I have friends, I’ve made some new enemies, I’m pretty content with everything, except for the unsettling puzzle that never quite seems to be finished. I haven’t found my forever person. And while I know that it takes lifetimes, in some cases, to find your forever person. I’m in need of that person now. My parents have always said that outside of religion very few marriages would last. And I’m not exactly looking for marriage as of right now, but I don’t find that statement to be true at all. For years people were staying in devoted relationships, outside of religion. And while the reason for that was solely based off of the fact that they’d prefer to maintain a certain social image, or because it’s all they’d ever known; these were relationships that were still being kept. I don’t need my forever person to be a lover, (although that’d be pretty nice,) I’m just looking for someone to share my soul with. I’ve gotta find my own way of being happy without needing anyone else, I understand. But in some cliche way I’m hoping that I don’t have to do it on my own for long. I still have my fingers crossed and my astrology belt on hoping for someone to come around and change everything for me, and although they haven’t come up yet…. I’m not giving up