Idk who I am. And sometimes it’s as simple as that. As simple as I don’t rlly know who I am, or who I wanna be. Sometimes it’s kind of overwhelming; because I want to be sure, sure of who I am, sure of who I want to be. But I never rlly get around to understanding myself. I watched a great video the other day, abt a girl who had had her first heartbreak so she made a video. Then a year later she said how much she’d grown since that heartbreak. And who she had become since then. And how she was so happy with the person she’d become and how things were so different now. She was so happy she’d cut out the bad from her life and begun to focus on the things that were actually important. She said she enjoyed being selfish with her time. That all of the energy she’d put into loving this person, that never felt the same way abt her, was finally attention she would learn to spend on herself. There’s so many things that I’ve learned abt life, like no one owes you anything rlly, not even our own parents. I’ve learned to shut ppl out, I’ve learned to let ppl in, I’ve learned to love again, and to let go. I’ve learned what it’s like to be cold; that’s something I’ve always hated. I’ve learned that sometimes…. idk who I am. And when this used to happen often I would go through a list of things I knew for sure. For example
- My name is Jade
- I’m 17 yrs old
- I work at H-E-B
- I love going to Brownsville
- I play guitar
And as the list progresses I add things that have more substance like
I’m not as strong as I used to be
I’m still learning to be better
I was rlly depressed this past season of my life
These are things that are sure. Things that I know are true. And instead of not knowing who I am anymore, because idk what I want to be. I learn who I am, because of who I have already been. It’s helped me when I begin to lose focus of who I am. The truth is that I lose myself very easily inside of things. I begin to attach myself into things and cocoon upon whatever holds me back. And I just keep trying to remind myself not to be afraid…
Life is such a process. And honestly I don’t have enough patience for it sometimes. I want to stop hurting now. I want to be this or that NOW! I want to be thin and beautiful and smart and funny now. I want to grow now. I want everything right now, this moment, this instant. And that’s just not how it works. It’s honestly terrifying to be alive, and then to live. And do we really live? Or are we just alive? Profound feelings of being lost, and being so sure you’ll never feel found. Immense imagery used to try and explain the human experience which will never fully meet the grandeur of it all, but it comes close. It’s why poets love poetry and artists love painting and photographers capture images. It’s why ppl do what they do. Everyone is just living so that they won’t just be alive and so that they can truly LIVE!! But what abt us? The ones who are too afraid to just dip and let go of what they’ve always known? The ones who have been taught to be quiet? The ones who have never tried to be anything or anyone else? What happens to the ppl who have only ever lived in fear? Because fear is what has been the master of my life since I was very young. And at one point in time I was sure abt “who I was” because I wasn’t afraid anymore. But I think that just came with the season. Because there’s this underlying sense of fear in my actions. Even in my dreams and who I have visions of becoming. Life is so long and winding and unsure. It’s like the science I used to do where atoms and electrons and protons and all of these parts of one being became so minuscule that they become impossible to begin to describe. Because, we, as human beings can’t understand things on any other scale then the ones that our lives hinge off of. Which is already narrow, and very rarely open to becoming larger or wider. In general we spend so much time figuring out who we are that we waste half of our puny lives anyway. Life is just another way for the universe to test everything that was put on earth. But we learn, and learn, and learn, and never rlly stop learning.
Don’t be afraid…. I’ve always hated telling ppl to do things I myself can’t do. I’ve always hated asking anyone to be something they weren’t already being. I’ve always thought it kind of dreadful to expect to change someone because of your words. But I’m telling you now (against my own comfort in life) don’t be afraid. Things will change. Things will be different. Things will be scary. Things will lurk. Things will follow. They’ll stay hidden and then years later, resurface. But don’t be afraid. You don’t have time to live in fear of what you are, or who you are becoming. Don’t be afraid to change, to learn, to be someone you never thought you’d become. Never stop trying to be the best you can be. Do you, and do it for yourself, not everyone else. You don’t owe your life, and comfort, and sanity, and peace to anyone in your life… no matter who they are, who they have been, or what the will be. Just never forget that fear hinders you from growing out of your old self and seasons. It stops you from coming out of that little cocoon into something much more beautiful and glorious. Something that little girls will look at and think they have good luck now or something. Something that is better then before. There’s so much to learn in life. So much to grow for, to live for, to love for. so just remember….. don’t be afraid
Byeeeeeeeee
Jade Anjalee
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