You never cared about me — but I cared about you. I texted you first. I remembered the little things you told me. I did cute favors for you. I treated you with the same amount of respect I give to the rest of my friends.
But that is okay.
I am not going to chase after your friendship. I am not going to drown you with messages, hoping you give me more than a one-word answer this time. I am not going to track you down and force you to pay attention to me.
If you don’t want a place in my world, you can leave. I might cry about you but I’m not going to stop you.
if the way I felt abt you was fake I wouldn’t have ever even bothered trying to fix it. I read this (and a ton of other stuff actually) and it was a reflection of the way I felt. I used to be in a place where it was like “plz plz plz change your mind; desperate little me needs you to change your mind” but now I’m sorta kinda in a place that’s like “ok” I haven’t gotten to like the angry I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING ABT YOU place yet. I’m trying to avoid that like at all costs. But everything is a process and there’s still more time left for me to fully come through everything. To grow out of what I’ve been going through and feeling. Everything is such a new experience for me. This is the first thing that’s rlly ever made me feel so alive. I’ve felt a full scale of snotty emotions. The speedometer rlly fell off with this one. I’m the person that goes through bouts of feelings but those bouts are somewhat tsunami like. Or like a hurricane…. TORNADOES that’s the one. I’m not even gonna lie though. I am not always ok, I am not always fine, I am not always happy with the way things are. In fact I’m not happy at all with the way things happened but I’m so excited to see how much I learn and grow. I even met someone and I love talking to him. He thinks all the things you used to think abt me. Like abt my quirks and my randomness. And maybe excited isn’t rlly the word; anxious seems to fit better. And for me (an already quite anxious person) it’s somewhat normal. I’m anxious to see what happens but whatever goes down I will always remember the way this felt. The way you felt. The way your memory feels as it slips through my dreams into my subconscious suspicions and half memorized recitations of words that fell out of your mouth so carelessly. Half of what we were was something experienced over the phone, and maybe that wasn’t enough for you. Maybe I wasn’t enough for you. But I know now… I don’t have to be. You don’t deserve me anyway. And despite knowing my worth, despite knowing what I deserve from a lover or a potential sometimes I think idc if you don’t love me anymore… just use me. And ofc I would hate that in the end but often it feels like I’d much prefer that feeling. Knowing that he’s only using me cuz I asked or allowed myself to be that low. Putting his pretty ego on a throne above my hearts desire. I figured out that I’d have to go through the five stages of grief and those are the actual worst. Cuz leaving someone rlly is like feeling the death of something. It was the death of my first love and my bestest friend in the whole wide world. And funny thing is I actually kind of believed that it’d never happen. Unfortunately all good things come to an end (especially when you’re unwilling to try and fix something or work on it) and so we did. And I’m not angry. I’m kind of over it. I just wish when you said we would still be friends that you meant it. And I wish that when you decided to be a jerk and say something that was completely unnecessary you just wouldn’t’ve. And I’m sorry for being so needy even (especially) now. And I’m sorry for everything; like always being sorry; and always being so unsure. I kept telling you I’d changed so much but you never rlly paid any attention to that. And my friend tells me that if you don’t care then neither should I. And everyone tells me I deserve something different and better. Nobody knows that I rlly just want what I had. And when I say it no one knows what to say. It’s like saying “no I was in love with this person I don’t deserve better” makes everyone uncomfortable. Like “wdym? What you felt was like real love?” And to that I’d respond “uhhhhhh yeah…?” Like I guess whatever tho right? I get worked up sometimes cuz I don’t bother and then I do bother and everything seems to slide right into a puddle of everything I hate. Like the way I said girls could be vultures and you said no she doesn’t like me like that. But actually you have no idea and it just doesn’t even matter. Like suddenly when I get upset it loses its flavor and I don’t rlly care. Can’t say I’m completely over everything cuz every once in a while I get rlly mad. And I used to not get mad but now I do. And I know why it is that I get upset. Like I would still be giving 100% to being friends and actually trying. But sometimes, I guess, you have to realize that even when ppl say they’re trying, they’re rlly not. And if they’re ok with not trying to keep you in their lives then you don’t have to keep trying to keep them in yours. It still hurts me sometimes because I can’t keep the promises I made. The promises I intended to keep. As much as it was on me, I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be easy to love and I wanted to make being loved feel good. My ultimate goal in life was to be someone who made being alive something beautiful. Because wether you meant to or not; that’s how I felt. I felt alive because I thought I was being loved. And towards the end of everything I had taken up a deep depression. I think it dampened whatever was left of those bubbly feelings. I miss feeling so bubbly over him. There was something so innocent and pure and almost pink abt loving him. And it’s like after him (not because of him) I’ve lost so much of that pink, bubbly, innocence. I pushed a lot; when I know I want something and I’m gonna get it! I push forward without any hesitation. And I did that. I know I did. But I never thought I pushed too hard. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe there were too many things that were the problem. Maybe I rant too often. Maybe I say too much. Maybe I used to guard my mouth and now I’m an open book and if you ask me anything I’ll answer whatever the question is. Maybe I just don’t care the way I used to. Maybe the one good reason I got is irrelevant cuz idek how I feel abt my whole “world” anymore. Maybe if I could change your mind it would’ve happened already. And maybe I’ll get used to never getting what I want anymore. But then again maybe not.
if you don’t want a place in my world… you can leave. And I know you don’t need my permission; but I just wanted to let you know if you never cared, or if you don’t anymore then stop lying to yourself and stop lying to me…. just leave
Jadey_Anjalee 