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How Each Zodiac Sign Will Reject You When They Just Aren’t Feeling Any Sparks

How Each Zodiac Sign Will Reject You When They Just Aren’t Feeling Any Sparks

How Each Zodiac Sign Will Reject You When They Just Aren’t Feeling Any Sparks


— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2019/05/how-each-zodiac-sign-will-reject-you-when-they-just-arent-feeling-any-sparks/

This is not a numbered Poem

10 the end! I made it to the top. I win. I ring the bell I climbed to reach, make sure it’s loud enough so everyone can hear my accomplishment 6, 7, 8

9 Times I checked the scale this week, I’ve lost six pounds and counting. I shouldn’t be concerned abt my weight but I just keep losing more and more of myself to

8 nights in a row, I woke up from a nightmare, it’s the same every goddam time, I walk up to you and you tell me a lie; I love you he says and right before your lips touch mine I feel blood trickling down my spine from the knife you put there

7 When I realized my dad wasn’t coming home, when my mom had that talk with me again abt how when she was young she used men to fill the void, the chasm her fathers absence had left

6 o’clock in the morning, it’s raining and I woke up from another sleepless night, these days are endless, my youth is beyond my

5 men I used to shape how I view men my dad, Joey, Josh, John, and the boy who I believed in with so much of myself, these men shaped who I let love me, who I let learn me, who I let inside of me, inside my mind, inside my soul

4 things I’ve come to know… four things I’ve learned how to do in my life, a.) to fear b.) to overcome that fear with love c.) to hate the love that taught me to overcome fear d.) to fear… losing myself to the things that come my way in this life

3 interpersonal truths I’ve learned. I am selfish. I love too hard. I give too often and I give too often because I love too hard and I love too hard because I am selfish> I am selfish with my love

2 boys have I ever loved, one still haunts me and the other still haunts me in the end I’ll wake up and know I’m a better person for the love I’ve cultivated and the loss I’ve endured but

1 I am one for affirmations

I am not weak

I am strong

I am not stupid

I have grown

I am not a little girl

I will never be

I am not a toy

I am a prized possession

I am not who I was

I am who I am going to be

I will not give up

I will prevail

I will prevail

I will prevail

When is it time to unlove your memory?

I fell in love with a boy and I have given him things I’ve never given anyone and it hurt because at first I realized I was killing little pieces of what was left of my first love. Now he wants space and time and he wants to leave me. And he is just myself. Something I know but something I don’t know. And when is it time to unlove something you loved so hard

How do I give someone space without losing them? It didn’t work the first time and so what in the hell am I thinking that perhaps it will work tomorrow or today or the day after tomorrow or in a hundred years. Why does loving someone hurt so damn badly? Why does letting someone in, physically kill your soul and tear it in a million little pieces? Why do I love people for no reason at all? Why does the universe throw the most beautiful and perfect beings into your life just to take them away?

Why did I waste so much time trying to forget you? When I rlly never wanted to forget a thing. Everything abt what I was when I was with you was and still is magic. The universe loved us. Even tho I always said it hated us. But if it hated us, we would’ve never met each other. Because we were fiercely beautiful and she saw that. She felt the energy we put inside of her and thanked us. She was and perhaps is my only friend in this goddamned world. I believe you will grow into a magnificent angel. And I cannot wait to behold the sight of you. Thank you for teaching me to love the way I did. Whole heartedly and never half assed

To my cp I do love you dearly. And I hope you don’t forget that

Choose wisely my sweet boy

Well I haven’t written anything in forever

I guess I’ve been all hickeldy pickledy but here’s a song I wrote in November

Why did you taste like a star

Perfect just the way your are

Trapped in your thoughts

Not where I wanted to get caught

You lost your touch

& your voice gets violent

When the world goes quiet

And your mind just needs silence

You left me wondering

Never quiet sure anymore

I had so many questions

Is it ok to never be sure?

But your memory tastes just like heaven

A bunch of little things that I could never mention

Why do you taste just like a star

Perfectly content with the way that you are

You walk around with your head on your shoulders

Conscience that you’re only getting older

I know now My love, that you were sober

When you decided to only grow colder

Do you still smile

Do you ever dream?

Was there something real

Or was it only in my imagination

Cuz I remember your lips

Soft a supple

A lovers dream

A winter haze

In summer days

Waking seams

We tore through barriers

Just to see us through

& Why did you taste just like a star?

Cuz babe now I’m addicted to the shine

And I’m having withdrawals for them

The days where I used to call you mine… without lyin

I’m quite sick of uncertainty!

As a recurring theme I’ll talk abt my Aza for now… I was talking to a friend abt my relationship with Aza and how he’d left me with no real explanation as to how or why our relationship was ending. My friend was thoroughly confused; saying it was unfair that I was still obviously in love with Aza because my Aza obviously didn’t mutually experience that love. They said if Aza had loved me he wouldn’t have left without explaining why they were leaving… unless they didn’t love me

Poem

Seven of Wands, Reversed

“Pisces, you may think you’ve got it all covered, but there’s a chance that your hard work is also making you vulnerable in other areas. The Reversed, Seven of Wands cards is a warning to take the time you need for self-care and rest. Someone you love will agree.”

“Leo…” oops I read your horoscope again

“The Sun gives out light, life and a focus on the Self to the Leo-Pisces relationship.”

I saw a chart to see how compatible we are

It said one bosses the other

This is my solid apology

For all the things I did

For all the things I said

You had told me that I hadn’t done anything wrong

Which if we’re honest we know better

“Only we know”

I said that it would be easier cuz only we knew

You said that that’s what mattered most

If I’m honest that’s what shattered my heart

Cuz I saw yours for just a split second

It was the last time I’d seen it that clearly

I didn’t mean it wasn’t real

I meant that having to go thru it by myself was gonna be the hardest thing cuz only we knew

And your name

Your name rolls off my tongue so easily and slips into the world just as quickly as it left my gritted teeth

It floats on the wind and I pray the universe delivers all of my sorries to you

Cuz babe… I’m sorry

I read on to see how stifling I was

And I can’t help my over attached tendencies

I just know I’m sorry for being so dependent

I’m sorry for always needing you

For wanting you even now

Even after I’ve said I’m ok and that I’ve moved on

Sometimes my eyes spill and pour out my heart and I wish you would hear me when I say I’m sorry

But you don’t

You never hear me

And I guess that’s my fault

I never rlly know

Because I blame myself for losing you

And maybe I’m worn out from it but it’s the truth

Your voice

God your voice

I’ve never been soothed by something that wasn’t something I had to fight for

And I never had to fight for you

But I would

I would now

And I’m sorry if I didn’t when I had the chance

But things happened so fast and far apart

Which doesn’t make any sense but neither did I

And it’s not something that I had ever tried to change

Because you never made me feel like I had to be something I wasn’t

You always made me believe I was something you could almost adore

And I wish

I wish you did

And if you needed a pin up Barbie with perfect hair then I could’ve been that

And if you needed someone who didn’t know how to follow the rules and found solace in destroying everything within their grasp then I could’ve been that

But if you needed someone who loved you unconditionally and was deeply satisfied with your every move then I’m sorry

I’m sorry that’s exactly what you had

I’m sorry I still remember your eyes

And when I talk abt you to my friends

When I say that I’m hurt and they don’t understand

Because if I’m honest even I can’t comprehend

How I love the thing that tore me apart

The part of my soul that is composed of every thing you said

Is the prettiest part of my insides

Cuz my guts are bloody red

But that sacred love left a garden

Flowers blooming in every corner

White for purity, red for passion, blue for desire

Green grass for the delicate feet of the fairies that’s still water our garden

“Our”

A word you had said felt right

But just before you left said was too serious

And I’m sorry if I was so serious

And I’m sorry if that scared you

But love is serious and that scared me too

I was open

Open to the world

Open to love

Open to everything this life had to offer

But if you needed me to be closed off you should’ve just told me

Because I would’ve left my whole world for you

And I’m sorry

I’m sorry if that wasn’t enough

I’m sorry if that was too much

I’m sorry that you find yourself in every word that leaves my mouth

But you changed me

You grew me up

You taught me love

You taught me silence

You taught me to look down

You changed the way I saw the world

You helped me to let go of things I didn’t know were eating me alive

You expanded my mind

And I’m sorry that I appreciate every moment we had together

And im sorry that its gone now

I’m sorry that I think abt you every time I go to church

I’m sorry that this place reeks of our lost time

I’m sorry that I still hold onto your arm in my dreams

When I’m dizzy and unsteady

I’m sorry that I see you in my new friends

In the boy who told me he likes me

In the boy who tried to kill himself

In the boy who says I’m special

In the boys who say I’m beautiful

I’m sorry that I heard your text tone and it meant absolutely nothing to me

I’m sorry that I’ll prolly reach out to you a thousand more times before I give up

I’m sorry that I hate that you left me alone in this place

I’m sorry that I expect you to reach out to me on my birthday

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I hear your voice when I’m in the grocery store

And someone yells out a name

And I turn my head trying Desperately to see who it is

I’m sorry I find your eyes in the strangest of places

I’m sorry I cried when I wrote my poems for you

I’m sorry I still dedicate them to you

And I’m sorry I miss the way your voice sounded right when you were getting tired

I’m sorry I still say sorry

And when ppl tell me not to be

I just think if you

You told me you were sorry

And it made my heart race

I felt nauseas

Because for the first time since you left I felt you close

And that’s what I miss

The distance

The space

The 51 ministers that stand between us

The religion that choked me til I said it was mine

The roads that were paved for us

The way fate gave you to me and snatched you right from my hands and called it destiny and blessed it with a kiss

The way water trickles and reminds me of all the times you said you loved it when it was grey and raining

All the 2am talks

How is it that you knew me

Everything inside my heart was exposed to the brutally cold air

And it never even scared me

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m just sorry…

Idk if there was anything else I’ve wanted to say to you

But I love you, my sweet boy

and I’m sorry

I’m already doing better

I’m already doing better. Cuz even when I’m not, I tell myself that I am. It’s like an anthem I keep reminding myself of. I try and derive some peace, some comfort from it. I’m already doing better. And in every sense; it’s true. I eat better then I did yesterday. I sleep better then I did last night. I wake up and there’s no obvious head pounding from last nights cry fest. I keep myself content with my doodles, and my music, and my windows, and the flowers, and the trees. I keep myself creative and open. I continue to read poetry, although now I understand it through eyes that have known the pain exuded through the verse. I’m already doing betterContinue reading “I’m already doing better”

To The Ones Who Thinks It Will Never Get Better

To The Ones Who Think It Will Never Get Better

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shireen-aljundi/2018/09/to-the-ones-who-think-it-will-never-get-better/
— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/shireen-aljundi/2018/09/to-the-ones-who-think-it-will-never-get-better/

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