So it’s been a few weeks since I told my best friend person a pretty big secret. I’ve had something weighing on me pretty hard lately and I haven’t been able to rlly process it. So I told her my little secret (that’s actually rlly huge) and she said “….yea no! I get it”. Somewhat reassuring, but I still feel strange, and strained, and taut, and rlly tied back.
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Poem- The Boy
Poetry
The Boy
August 19 I wake up same as usual
A little sleepy I grab my phone check my social media and go back to sleep
I’m a sixteen year old girl with not much to say
I’m still in high school just hoping to graduate
Hoping to do something big and grand with my life
My one friend at the time hasn’t rlly been talking to me
I txt her and she’s always busy
But I guess that’s how it is when your one friend is two years older then you and living her life to the fullest
My day went on quite un-extraordinarily til around ten pm when me and my sisters decide to watch a movie
Me. Being the teenager I am decide to check Instagram and see what everyone else in my life is doing
This. This is where something extraordinary happened
On a completely un-extraordinary day I see a picture of colored pencils
And decide to say something abt the erasers on the tips of every colored pencil
Packaged in a cardboard box ready to be disposed of as soon as it’s been used
This is where I meet him
The boy
The boy is quiet
The boy is new
And while he sits in his corner of the world, I sit in mine and within three short days the boy becomes my friend
And everyday I talk to the boy I realize I like him more and more
It’s as if every passing hour draws us closer and closer together somehow
I have to stop talking to the boy because… well my parents
So the boy makes a group chat
This chat becomes my home
I decorate every sentence that comes out of my mouth with a bow
I string lights up with every exclamation point
Eventually I take on the boys language
I say words I’ve only ever heard him say
And he takes on words that I’ve said
We mirror each other and become so similar that our thoughts often overlap
He says M’kay and honey at first to tease me and then because it’s the way he talks now
I take on words like Boi and oof
Words I used to find funny but now I say because when the boy talks I listen
And when I talk the boy listens
It’s October sixth- journal entry seventeen
I barely started writing down everything and today is the day I realize that I love the boy
That he’s no longer only my best friend
Now the boy is my crush
An infinite amount of feelings continue to develop everyday
And with each passing day I think keeping these feelings to myself would be most important because I cannot lose the boy
I will not
So the winter passes and spring comes
And I turn 17 and the boy and I have never been closer
It’s March fifth and me and the boy talk
It’s obvious we both have feelings for each other
That was six months ago
So much has changed
It’s been almost a month since I’ve heard the boy say my name
He goes on to do his thing
While I feel so broken
Because we are once again people in our own corners of the world
He said he doesn’t feel like we are working
The boy said he needs time
And I say that’s just fine
I keep waiting for the boy
Waiting for him to change his mind I want to scream I want to fight
But that won’t give him to me
So I speak quietly
I whisper to the universe
Day in and day out
When the sun comes up and when it goes to lie down
I beg for him
For the attention he gave
For the way he says my name
For all of the little things he did for me
Like the way he used to create
Little strings of songs
Almost orchestrated with the intentions of letting me know what he felt
The way he’d call me when I just wasn’t feeling too hot
The way he knew when I was upset without ever having to ask
The boy was mine
And if anyone wanted to know
I was his
I look back at the pictures and I can see
That perhaps there were warning signs along the way
But to the hopeful, who never stop hoping
All I saw was his smiling face
And even still after everything I’ve felt and been through
After feeling galaxies of emotions
And floods of tears I
Still pray the boy
The boy with whom my heart found the fondest of affection for
Changes his mind….
I was looking at it wrong…
September 13-2018
Every day it seems, I still have to remind my heart and body that you’re gone. Or at least that you’re too far to reach. Idk if you even feel the pain. It might not be today or tomorrow, but one day you’ll look back and think “Man I screwed up”. I wish I could say I wish the best for you, but honestly, I just want you to come back. It’s stupid of me, I know because you’re not even fully gone yet. But you’re not here… Not anymore
Completely and utterly blinded by my pain, my anguish, my anxieties and worry, I failed to ever consider it might not hurt as much tomorrow as it does today, right now. And I was right, everyday I would wake up and it would hurt less then it did the day before. But everyday I thought today’s the day! I’m gonna stop crying. I’ll make it through the whole day; and I’ll be ok. Boy was that wishful thinking. I recently had the privilege of reading a quite marvelous poem written by Rupi Kaur. 
a loss is a loss is a loss… it all ends the same, a loss is a loss. I found myself this past week, completely engulfed by one of my greatest fears. Being forgotten. I’ve lost a best friend before; but when I think about it, I knew nothing about them. I can’t even remember their birthday. But what if, someone that actually meant the world to me, what if…. they forgot me? Or who I was when it was just us? Would they remember all the little things? All of the nicknames and silly stories shared? Would they treasure them? Or would they resent them? Resent me? Would they think of me and smile through their tears? Or would they be filled with hate? About a million bazillion questions ran through my head. So many things I wanted to say, so many questions I needed to be answered. I thought I had lost my best friend.
But maybe I was looking at it from the wrong perspective. My little brother recently made me sit down to enjoy a movie with him. He picked Evan Almighty, a classic. At one point Morgan Freeman (who is playing the role of God) says
Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?
What have I been praying for? To be a better example; to love better; to be a better friend…. I don’t want to sound hyper-spiritual. But perhaps this is my opportunity. I haven’t been the best example. I’ve given my heart away; and quite carelessly, as though it’s some simple matter. A heart shatters into a million little fragments, and some pieces are never recovered. Like the velveteen rabbit. You become real and when you are real, you don’t mind feeling the pain. That pain you feel, reminds you that you’re alive. Or maybe like the fox 
But after being tamed, you feel the ache when they must leave.
All things come to an end. But you are never without a say as to how they must end. You are as much in control of your pain, as you are of your joy. Do not be robbed of your happiness. Find a way to look at your situation differently. I was looking at it wrong… because where I only saw loss, now I see opportunity. And I will grow.
My Battle With Writer’s Block
An open letter to a close friend…
I’m here for you…
I just don’t want you to feel alone. You know, you hear so many people in the world say to trust them, that you’re not alone, they’re “here for you”. But it’s all a lie and you know it. They don’t care about you, they’ll make it, somehow, they’ll manage to make it your fault. Then when they’ve made a mess and ruined everything, they’ll just leave. It’s the way it goes, but we become people that have real life experience because of those sucky relationships. We become people who are filled with knowledge, to pass down. I know I’m just a messed up teenager who doesn’t have the strength or the confidence to do half of the things I want to do. But I am here for you. I am! Even if I’m your only friend, I’m here. Don’t lose that. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t turn a blind eye. Don’t be a fool. Just don’t. Because a person is lucky if they get 3 to 4 good friends in this life and here I am saying I’ll be yours. Why won’t you let me in? I just want to see the way your brain works. I want to know your dreams. I want to know your aspirations. I want to know your fears. I want to see the way your mind processes different experiences. I want to hear you describe a sunset or the rain. I want to know the things you believe in, even if they make absolutely no sense. I want to be the person that no matter what, is still there. Because that’s the person, or the type of person, I’d like to believe I am. But I’m done playing surface level. That only ever lasts for so long. And I know, I know I can be overwhelming and smothering at times, I’m just this huge giant who always seems to be butting in. But it’s only because I truly care. And it’s only because if I don’t push people out of their comfort zone’s, they’ll never open up. Look! I’m willing to invest my heart and soul into you. How are you going to reject that? Deep down we all want to be loved. Deep down we all want to be accepted and appreciated. And whether you’ll admit to it or not is your decision, but I’m a little less naïve, and I know that I am right. And if you think for one second that I’m some fool for pouring out my heart and sharing it… I’ve got news for you. Being vulnerable isn’t something to be ashamed of. And I play it as a strength. I’m open, so ask me anything, go ahead and in return I get to ask you things. Personal things. Because that’s what you are. An individual. A person! Who lives and breathes and has passions and is creative and is beautiful and has so much potential. You are so young! YOU ARE SO YOUNG!! So stop hating the world and start enjoying it. If I had someone like me when I was your age, I wouldn’t have hurt so badly when life happened. Because life happens, and it sucks. You feel lonely. You’ll feel forgotten. You’ll think that you have to be fake and that you can never show your true colors because you’ll only be rejected. But that’s exactly what I’m trying to say. You’re not alone! You won’t be forgotten. I’m right here. I will accept you. You don’t have to be afraid with me, cuz I know what it’s like to be all alone and I know what it’s like to fear rejection. And also I know you think I’m cool so there’s that lol
….I’m here
If you have enjoyed this (my blog post) plz share! And constructive criticism is always welcome, so get in touch!! Thank youuu and until next time
Am I blind
Am I blind?
A question that rattled round my head when recalling a certain situation that had surfaced in one of my most intimate relationships. I kept asking over and over “Why?”, discontent to not know the answer; or rather to get an answer I didn’t want. I took this question to one of my friends “Why?”. He said, “Hm” after a moment of quiet thoughtfulness he said ,”Maybe because this has become an idol for you”… ((WHOA!)) “maybe you’re prioritizing this… Over God”. Now looking back I can see how prideful I was > Me? An Idol? Immediately, in my holy little mind w/ a glowing halo above my head just knew, that simply couldn’t be the answer. That was weeks and weeks ago, and to my shame, I simply shrugged that suggestion off. Although after a convicting sermon I recently had the privilege of hearing, this question sowed seeds of wonder. Am I blind…. to my idols?
Idolatry
It sounds like such a heinous and filthy sin, yet so often overlooked! After all it is so easy to fall victim to. In fact by the time you realize that you’ve been storing up idols in your heart… it’s too late, you are already so invested. It’s difficult and seems so unnecessary to constantly ask, “Who or What am I allowing to take God’s place in my heart?” (so let me ask you) Friend, Who or What are you allowing that place to be filled by? Have you asked yourself that lately? I hadn’t!
One example of idolatry is at the foot of Mt. Sinai. This is one of my favorite stories of the human condition. We get saved from tyrannical rulers and rejoice over our salvation, but when we get too comfortable we fold our hands and bow down to a golden calf. This truly is a fine representation of how fickle our hearts are. One moment we are grateful and worshiping the Lord for his faithfulness; the next we are bowing down to our golden calves. Neglecting prayer or quiet devotion and instead, are worshiping something, at times, anything other than God. But what happened right after that? (Exodus 32:11-13) Moses spoke with the Lord and God gave them a second chance.
Second Chances
Despite our failures to be true and faithful to God we may rest assured, knowing through the work of Jesus Christ on the cross we are given a second chance!! We are imperfect and unholy creatures conceived in sin and we live in a calloused state. But according to his word and for his glory we are given this new life, this second chance. So when you give your idols your undivided attention, remember you must never be too proud to repent. Constantly examine what you’re doing and why. Ask yourself,”Am I using this second chance to glorify God or Am I running back to all of the things I have given my heart over to?” Because real love is never afraid to make right what it has made wrong. Real love is not afraid to bleed.
Real Love is NOT Afraid to Bleed
On the car ride home in somewhat rainy weather a few simple words caught my ear. I’ve heard them probably 1,000 times before. Yet in that moment they were a resounding gong, loud and potent, they simply had to be written down. Real love is not afraid to bleed, of course the first thing this statement brings to mind is Jesus. Familiar with the famous John 3:16> he so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life > We know that Jesus bled. He bled bright red blood to save an ungrateful world, an ignorant and unloving race. Are you afraid to bleed? If I’m honest, I am. C.S. Lewis once said,”To love is to be vulnerable”. In order to truly love someone you must be willing to be vulnerable, you must be willing to bleed. And that type of love can only come from an UNBLINDED reverence for an all merciful and holy God. Cast aside your idols! Cast aside all of your golden calves or whatever you are placing above God. Is it a family member, new job position, earthly possession, potential relationship, hurtful past, maybe it’s something that is much darker and harder to share. Whatever you are letting fill your heart, whatever you are giving ground to, friend find the strength to pray. Ask for the will to overcome your struggles.
In Conclusion
Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask yourself if you’re blind. (Go ahead and ask yourself rn) Then realize that if you’re a regenerate Christian, you’ve been given a second chance. What are you doing with this second chance? And remember real love is not afraid to bleed. It’s hard to put aside our pride, to see how defiled we truly are. But if we are to be imitators of Christ then we will put ourselves aside and learn to love… the way he does!
p.s. Ta-Da! I did it> If you have enjoyed this (my very first blog post) plz share! And constructive criticism is always welcome, so get in touch!! Thank youuu and until next time
Jade Anjalee
Jadey_Anjalee 