September 13-2018
Every day it seems, I still have to remind my heart and body that you’re gone. Or at least that you’re too far to reach. Idk if you even feel the pain. It might not be today or tomorrow, but one day you’ll look back and think “Man I screwed up”. I wish I could say I wish the best for you, but honestly, I just want you to come back. It’s stupid of me, I know because you’re not even fully gone yet. But you’re not here… Not anymore
Completely and utterly blinded by my pain, my anguish, my anxieties and worry, I failed to ever consider it might not hurt as much tomorrow as it does today, right now. And I was right, everyday I would wake up and it would hurt less then it did the day before. But everyday I thought today’s the day! I’m gonna stop crying. I’ll make it through the whole day; and I’ll be ok. Boy was that wishful thinking. I recently had the privilege of reading a quite marvelous poem written by Rupi Kaur. 
a loss is a loss is a loss… it all ends the same, a loss is a loss. I found myself this past week, completely engulfed by one of my greatest fears. Being forgotten. I’ve lost a best friend before; but when I think about it, I knew nothing about them. I can’t even remember their birthday. But what if, someone that actually meant the world to me, what if…. they forgot me? Or who I was when it was just us? Would they remember all the little things? All of the nicknames and silly stories shared? Would they treasure them? Or would they resent them? Resent me? Would they think of me and smile through their tears? Or would they be filled with hate? About a million bazillion questions ran through my head. So many things I wanted to say, so many questions I needed to be answered. I thought I had lost my best friend.
But maybe I was looking at it from the wrong perspective. My little brother recently made me sit down to enjoy a movie with him. He picked Evan Almighty, a classic. At one point Morgan Freeman (who is playing the role of God) says
Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?
What have I been praying for? To be a better example; to love better; to be a better friend…. I don’t want to sound hyper-spiritual. But perhaps this is my opportunity. I haven’t been the best example. I’ve given my heart away; and quite carelessly, as though it’s some simple matter. A heart shatters into a million little fragments, and some pieces are never recovered. Like the velveteen rabbit. You become real and when you are real, you don’t mind feeling the pain. That pain you feel, reminds you that you’re alive. Or maybe like the fox 
But after being tamed, you feel the ache when they must leave.
All things come to an end. But you are never without a say as to how they must end. You are as much in control of your pain, as you are of your joy. Do not be robbed of your happiness. Find a way to look at your situation differently. I was looking at it wrong… because where I only saw loss, now I see opportunity. And I will grow.
P.s. something I always do to help me cope is write this all the way down a sheet of paper
- I exist
- I am not alone
- You are not alone
- I am alive/breathing
Jadey_Anjalee 